nasa offers to purchase citizens bank

NASA Offers To Purchase Citizens Bank Park From Phillies, Philadelphia

Rumor out of Philadelphia has it that the National Aeronautics and

Space Administration has made an offer to Philadelphia Phillies'

team president David Montgomery to buy Citizens Bank Park. The

offer reportedly was made after the Phillies suffered a 16-4

drubbing at the bats of the New York Mets, who hit a park-record

seven home runs en route to their victory.

Banjo music blared during the contest, presumably to honor the

suprising home run power of heretofore power-less hitters in

Victor Diaz and Jose Reyes, both of whom hit two homers apiece,

and 1B Doug Mientkiewicz, of whom one scout said would be at the

bottom of the HR pack even if all players at the power position

never had heard of steroids. David Wright of the Mets added a

grand slam, and Mike Piazza hit a two-run shot.

Apparently the combination of the hitting background and currents

at the ballpark was so favorable that the biggest twelve year-olds

in the St. Timothy's Elementary School Boys' Choir, there to sing

the national anthem, were hitting moon shots to the warning track

before the major leaguers arrived for batting practice late

yesterday afternoon.

Said NASA spokesperson Glenn Shephard, "We've always been looking

for appropriate alternative launching sites to Cape Canaveral, and

the aerodynamics are so good in this particular location that we

would consider developing this site for launching the

next-generation space craft, which are smaller and more

maneuverable." Shephard added that the offer came after the

heralded space organization searched for new sites for over four

years.

Philadelphia Mayor John Street, eager to climb up from the dismal

rating he got from a national publication that had evaluated

America's mayors, had this to say: "We are flattered that NASA has

expressed a big interest in the City of Philadelphia to be at the

forefront of the next generation of space craft. In the 1800's, we

built locomotives for the entire world. In the 1900's, we built

ships, and we continue to do so today. From 2000 and beyond, we

can make our mark in the space industry. There is plenty of

alternative real estate for our beloved Phillies, but the

potential to create thousands of jobs in this great city is very

appealing."

Major League Baseball was quick to rally its forces. Reached late

last night, Commissioner Bud Selig said, "We will investigate this

situation in Philadelphia very thoroughly. The Philadelphia

franchise is one of our oldest and most storied franchises, and we

were thrilled to see the greeting the new ballpark received last

year. We believe that Citizens Bank Park is an important addition

to one of our seven largest markets, and we hope that it will

remain in baseball for the foreseeable future."

Privately, a source within Major League Baseball indicated that

Major League Baseball is absolutely thrilled with the true

hitters' parks such as Camden Yards in Baltimore and Citizens Bank

Park in Philadelphia. There had been concerns that with the big

crackdown on illegal steroids, power numbers would drop

significantly, leaving a less appealing product for the fans.

Major League Baseball hopes that with parks like these, the power

numbers won't drop appreciably.

But therein could lie another problem. Apparently, according to

another source, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration

(OSHA) of the United States Department of Labor is investigating

anonymous complaints about working conditions at Citizens Bank

Park. According to reports, Phillies' players filed these

complaints over the course of the past few weeks. It hasn't been

determined whether pitchers filed the complaints out of a fear of

getting hit by excessive line drives through the batters' box or

whether outfielders filed the complaints because of a higher than

acceptable incidence of neck strains.

The Major League Baseball Players Assocation couldn't be reached

for comments. The players' union apparently would have a conflict

on the issue, because while pitchers might lament the working

conditions, position players would cheer it. And then there's that

lingering steroids problem that everyone wants to have vanish, and

that's something that parks like Citizens Bank Park could help

cure.

So now the baseball world watches the drama that is unfolding.

Commissioner Selig, for his part, while not fond of banjo hitters,

is fond of bandboxes, and apparently wants the City of

Philadelphia and the Phillies to hold out. Said Phillies' GM Ed

Wade, "This is a tough situation for us and our fans. The fans

didn't like the Vet at the end. It was crumbling and they were too

far away from the action. Now they have a new park, where they get

to see the games up close and personal, but they're not happy with

the fireworks that take place on the field. Some have told me that

they'd rather go back to the 70's, when Steve Carlton could hook

up with Randy Jones in a 1-0 game that took one and a half hours

to play. So it's hard to please everyone. And then there's the

prospect of the new jobs, which would be great for the region, and

those people could add to our fan base. I'm sure we'll look hard

at every alternative."

At the turn of the 20th Century, Philadelphia was known as the

Workshop for the World. Today, it has the chance to become the

Launchpad for the World.

Which would be quite a feat, especially if that moniker could

transcend local baseball scene.

Because if it cannot, allowing 7 HRs in your home park does not